I’ll be honest: I naturally shy away from discomfort. Like most of us, my instincts tell me to steer clear of anything that brings anxiety or awkwardness. But if you’re a pastor – or anyone committed to fostering real peace – learning to step into uncomfortable situations isn’t just part of the work, it’s the heart of real growth and meaningful connection.
Some of the most transformative moments in my ministry didn’t come from what I would have chosen, but from what I could not avoid. I’ve sat with families in intensive care units as doctors delivered heartbreaking news. I’ve walked beside loved ones through the loss of a child. I’ve led funerals for those who died by suicide. I’ve stood with people who made choices carrying consequences that will last a lifetime. I didn’t pursue ministry for these moments, but these experiences have shaped me in ways I never expected.
Discomfort, in its own way, is a gift. Rather than avoiding it, we should recognize it as the soil where growth, healing, and authentic relationships take root. Whether you’re a pastor or someone who simply wants to make a difference, don’t fear the hard places. That’s exactly where peacemakers are needed most. Maybe that is why we experience so much discomfort at the heart of Jesus’ call in Luke 9:23, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.” It is an invitation to selflessness and peacemaking. You might even say that it is an invitation to discomfort.
Unlike my “ministry” examples above, most opportunities for peacemaking are not in the job description. In other words, they feel optional. Nobody will call you on the carpet if you choose to sidestep the uneasiness and conflict because peacemaking can be stressful, and so many people seem to thrive on drama. But if we genuinely care about building peace, we must be willing to engage, even when it doesn’t feel good. Why? Discomfort helps us develop deeper empathy. It teaches us to feel with others, not just for them. It strengthens our ability to understand complex stories and personal struggles.
Real peace is forged by showing up in the mess, not by staying at a safe distance.
Here’s a challenge for you beyond simply reading this blog post: Practice Discomfort. Pay attention to opportunities that are outside of your comfort zone. They present themselves regularly, but we tend to dismiss them without a thought. What would happen if you actually gave it a thought and then stepped into it? Let me stir your thoughts with some ideas, some harder than others.
- Be willing to say “Yes” to an environment where you might be the only “different” one in the room. Maybe you’re the only person who doesn’t know anyone, the only evangelical, the only person of your ethnicity, or the only English speaker. If you’ve ever been in that position, you know it leaves a mark.
- Try joining a local meetup with people who vote differently from you. Don’t go to argue – go to listen and truly learn. Don’t challenge, but allow your understanding to be challenged; aim to grasp what genuinely motivates their views (not just what you’ve read online from people with similar perspectives as yours).
- Do you know a Muslim or a Jew in your neighborhood? Engage them in a conversation that goes deeper than the weather. Ask what it’s like to be Muslim or Jewish in your city. Extra credit if you visit a mosque or temple with them. Extra-extra credit for inviting the Imam or Rabbi out to lunch.
- If that feels too awkward, walk across the street to a neighbor that you have yet to meet and start a conversation. Invite them to dinner at your home. (Bonus points if they don’t look like you!)
- When you attend an event where everyone knows each other except you, reflect on what made that experience difficult. Are there places in your life where you feel at home, but others might feel out of place? How can you be more present for those individuals?
- Learn something new. Ask someone who’s an expert in a field you know nothing about to teach you. Admitting what you don’t know and being open to learning is profoundly healthy.
Stepping into unfamiliar situations requires us to listen and to see the world through someone else’s perspective. That’s the true beginning of understanding. Like any muscle, the ability to be comfortable with discomfort grows stronger the more we exercise it.
An Addendum: Ask for Help
One of the primary ways I see pastors and church leaders avoid discomfort is by refusing to ask for help until a crisis hits. You are surrounded by people who can support you—people who care about you as a person, not just as a leader. If you are feeling stuck in your ministry, ask for help. If your marriage is struggling, ask for help. Maybe it is as simple as needing administrative assistance. Life is always better on the other side of discomfort!
Dean Kuest
This is not a typical bio I would use to introduce myself to strangers, but ministry is often where we present our best on the “front stage” and hide the dirt “backstage.” Like social media, it is easy to produce the stuff that makes us look great, but I long for relationships that are real…so here is my “honest” bio.
I am a husband of 33 years to my beautiful wife, Leslie. I am a pastor and a PK who raised five PKs (all boys). I am now Pops to five grandchildren (four girls in there – finally). I have a great relationship with my parents and my boys. I’m so proud of each of them.
I am an example of failure—I have put my work above my wife for many years. I have never had an affair, but the church has been my mistress at times. Leslie has been gracious, and we have worked through those wounds and scars. We are an example of perseverance, and I am so grateful for the love we nurture.
I was blessed to be rooted in one church in the Phoenix area for 25 years. I was blessed to be uprooted and lead a church plant in the Seattle area for eight years. I have climbed the ladder of leadership in an exceptionally large church. And I have been humbled by a complete loss of confidence at the end of my time in Seattle.
I sought help and learned several things about myself.
I tried to do everything myself and had poor stress management.
I have ADD and need strategies and medication to deal with it.
I had a hormone imbalance that contributed to my anxiety.
Thirteen years later, I continue to learn about those strategies and how to tap into the support I need.
I was one of the original nine pastors who met together in 2018 to dream the dream that has become the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship. I am passionate about the Gospel, the love and grace of Jesus, and I long to be a peacemaker in a polarized world. I have learned to be honest about what God has gifted me to do and where my abilities fall short.
I like to build and create. I don’t like to maintain. I have always had great people skills, but I am a poor administrator and event organizer. I lead with grace because I know I have needed it throughout my life and ministry. I am not always good at giving myself grace because I have a VERY LOUD inner critic who is very opinionated and always self-effacing. I am a gifted coach and mentor and connect well with younger generations of pastors.
I would love to come alongside you as a coach. As a reminder, the first session is free, and the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship will pay for two more.
Shoot me an email if that is something you would like to explore.
