Let’s Talk About Conflict

Before we talk about how to navigate conflict, we need to name what it actually is—because many of us carry assumptions that quietly undermine everything that follows.

The most common assumption is this: Conflict means something has gone wrong—wrong with the relationship, wrong with the other person, wrong with the church, wrong with me. It arrives like an accusation. And for pastors and church leaders, that accusation can feel especially sharp—shouldn’t you, of all people, have figured out how to prevent this?

Here is the reframe I want to offer from the start: Conflict is not a sign of failure; it is a sign of proximity. You cannot live, lead, or worship alongside others over any length of time without eventually discovering places where values, perceptions, or interests collide. Conflict is not evidence that community has broken down. Often, it is evidence that community is real.

The question has never been whether conflict will arrive. It will. The real question is what we do when it does.

Why Does the Church Often Handle Conflict So Poorly?

My first response to this is that we resort to what we know. When I lead conflict transformation seminars with pastors, I begin with a simple question:

“How was conflict handled in your home growing up?”

The responses are remarkably consistent. Most describe either avoidance—conflict hidden, denied, or swept away—or explosion, where power and volume replaced understanding. Very few experienced role models within conflict that strengthened relationships rather than damaging them.

Sit with that for a moment. These are the men and women entrusted with shepherding churches through deep relational pain—yet many were never shown what healthy conflict looks like.

And the church often doesn’t fill this gap. We preach forgiveness, unity, and love—and rightly so. But the practical, interior work of moving through conflict toward reconciliation is rarely taught. When conflict inevitably arises, people fall back on the only patterns they know.

We Let Power Do the Work

When asked about Scripture and conflict, Matthew 18 is almost always cited. It is an important passage—but it is not primarily about peacemaking. It addresses confronting clear, unrepentant sin. Too often, especially among pastors, it has been used as a tool to win conflict through authority.

Conflict studies consistently show that when power “solves” interpersonal conflict, the issue may disappear—but relationships rarely survive.

Is it any wonder, then, that church conflicts handled this way so often turn destructive?

A Better Way: Peacemakers

There is another approach, one that prioritizes restoration over winning. Consider Matthew 18:16 read through a different lens:

“If they won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.”

Remove the idea of a power play. Instead, imagine inviting two people who genuinely care about the relationship and have the skill to help others listen, understand, and heal. In that context, additional voices don’t escalate conflict—they support reconciliation.

If we are serious about living out the gospel—about bearing the fruit of the Spirit—this is a skill the church must learn to welcome. Jesus tells us to pause our worship to pursue peace (Matthew 5:24). Paul urges us to live at peace, as far as it depends on us (Romans 12:18). These directives are simple, but they are not easy.

This is the work I do with PastorServe.org. If your church finds itself stuck in conflict and you’re longing for a different way forward, I’d be glad to listen. Sometimes the next faithful step is simply inviting a few wise, gospel-centered people to walk alongside the process. If that conversation would be helpful, let’s begin there. Please reach out below.