I took this selfie on April 3, 2020, and posted it on Facebook. My mom had made masks for family and friends, and I had just braved Costco to pick up toilet paper — the number one request from homebound members of our church. When I got back to
my car, two comments had appeared on my post.
The first was from a high school friend: “Can you put a mask over that horrible Seahawks logo too 😂.” The second was from a church friend: “Where is your faith? It’s in your mask.” I assumed he was joking. He was not. He eventually left our church because his pastor obeyed mask mandates.
That first comment represents normal Polarization — healthy conflict where people exchange differing views constructively or even playfully. The second represents toxic Polarization — the shift that happens when we stop disagreeing with what someone believes and start judging who they are. We label people based on their opinions, then treat them accordingly.
I have spent much of my time since trying to help pastors and church leaders recognize and combat toxic polarization — only to discover that Christians fighting against it can easily create more of it. Here is how I saw it happen in myself.
I Began Categorizing People Into “Toxic Polarizers” and “Peacemakers”
When you become really convicted about something, the people who don’t see things your way start to feel like they “just don’t get it.” And so, I began viewing them as lesser — the unenlightened. I had inadvertently created a new in-group of people ‘enlightened enough to see the problem’ — which meant sorting everyone else into polarizers and peacemakers. That is itself a polarizing move. I had drawn a new dividing line while condemning dividing lines. Jesus did not call us to categorize people. He called us to love them — and that love is what marks us as His.
The antidote to categorizing people isn’t a better category. It’s curiosity.
Can I love the man and seek to understand why he doesn’t believe I have faith because I wore a mask, or will I simply toss him into a category I created for him, while complaining about the category he has put me in? Can I be curious with those who vote differently from me? Can I befriend people who hold different beliefs about God? Can I love my neighbor who lives a different cultural lifestyle than I do?
Before you share your next post or call out the people who just don’t see things your way, I’d ask you to pause and sit with a few honest questions:
- Who in my church am I avoiding rather than engaging?
- Who have I mentally filed away as a ‘toxic polarizer’ that I haven’t actually tried to understand?
The world does not need more people opposed to toxic polarization. It needs people who are so genuinely for one another — so rooted in the love of Christ — that the labels lose their power. That kind of peacemaking doesn’t trend. But it transforms.
Dean Kuest
This is not a typical bio I would use to introduce myself to strangers, but ministry is often where we present our best on the “front stage” and hide the dirt “backstage.” Like social media, it is easy to produce the stuff that makes us look great, but I long for relationships that are real…so here is my “honest” bio.
I am a husband of 33 years to my beautiful wife, Leslie. I am a pastor and a PK who raised five PKs (all boys). I am now Pops to five grandchildren (four girls in there – finally). I have a great relationship with my parents and my boys. I’m so proud of each of them.
I am an example of failure—I have put my work above my wife for many years. I have never had an affair, but the church has been my mistress at times. Leslie has been gracious, and we have worked through those wounds and scars. We are an example of perseverance, and I am so grateful for the love we nurture.
I was blessed to be rooted in one church in the Phoenix area for 25 years. I was blessed to be uprooted and lead a church plant in the Seattle area for eight years. I have climbed the ladder of leadership in an exceptionally large church. And I have been humbled by a complete loss of confidence at the end of my time in Seattle.
I sought help and learned several things about myself.
I tried to do everything myself and had poor stress management.
I have ADD and need strategies and medication to deal with it.
I had a hormone imbalance that contributed to my anxiety.
Thirteen years later, I continue to learn about those strategies and how to tap into the support I need.
I was one of the original nine pastors who met together in 2018 to dream the dream that has become the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship. I am passionate about the Gospel, the love and grace of Jesus, and I long to be a peacemaker in a polarized world. I have learned to be honest about what God has gifted me to do and where my abilities fall short.
I like to build and create. I don’t like to maintain. I have always had great people skills, but I am a poor administrator and event organizer. I lead with grace because I know I have needed it throughout my life and ministry. I am not always good at giving myself grace because I have a VERY LOUD inner critic who is very opinionated and always self-effacing. I am a gifted coach and mentor and connect well with younger generations of pastors.
I would love to come alongside you as a coach. As a reminder, the first session is free, and the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship will pay for two more.
Shoot me an email if that is something you would like to explore.
