I often hand out a sheet of Scriptures during my time together with pastors and church leaders. It is simply titled, “The 59 One Anothers of the New Testament”. It’s a condensed look at fifteen New Testament letters where an author commended his readers to do something for ‘one another,’ and where each one is found. Off the top of your head, are there any that come to mind?
I’m sure some of you immediately went to “Love one another,” as it appears in 19 of the 59 instances in Scripture. There are six references to some form of “Encourage one another” and two that tell us to “Forgive one another”. Then there are the five passages where we are instructed to “greet one another with a holy kiss,” which I’ve always given myself permission to overlook.
Tucked within these statements is a simple one that has caused much pain both inside and outside the church: “Admonish one another.”
I can truly say that some of the most formative memories of my life have been moments where I was admonished. One such example is being corrected by my parents. And there are some core memories early in my ministry where I was pulled aside by mentors who offered an admonishment similar to what Merriam-Webster’s defines as “a gentle or friendly reproof. A counsel or warning against fault or oversight.” I can tell you that two of those conversations have redirected who I have become as a pastor, even though the truth really hurt at the time.
I’ve also experienced, and have more often seen portrayed, a distorted version of admonition. Somewhere along the way, it feels as if Christians have accepted a half-truth as being fully true. It is found in this statement: “The most loving thing you can do for someone is tell them the truth.” It is almost true…there is truth in it…Silence can be its own failure to love. There are “true things” people need to hear. But the statement sneaks in a lie… that the telling is the loving part. It reduces love into an information transfer. As if truth, once delivered, has done love’s whole job. It hasn’t. I’ve watched pastors humiliate staff members, and parents break their children’s spirits, and every one of them most likely would have told you they were only telling the truth. They were. They just told it naked.
Why naked? Notice that in Colossians 3:16, we find Paul’s commendation to admonish one another, but before we ever get to that verse, Paul has us cleaning out our closets. First, we must throw out our old clothing (all of the sin that holds us down), while putting on Christ. This is where the passage explodes into what life looks like when we keep our hearts and minds on the things of Christ. We should clothe ourselves in His character, compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. These precede Paul’s commendation for us to “Bear with one another” and “Forgive one another” (both found on my list of 59). Which leads us directly to “Teach one another” and “Admonish one another with wisdom”. The whole chapter is a “getting dressed” chapter, and to admonish without getting clothed in the way of Jesus is to miss Paul’s point.
All that clothing, put on long before a single word of correction, is how the other person knows you’re for them. Loveless admonishment isn’t a harsh version of the command; it’s a different act wearing the same name.
I told you some of my most formative memories are of being admonished. I’ve thought about why those moments shaped me rather than breaking me, and it isn’t that the truth was gentler; some of it stung for years. It’s that I never once doubted those people were for me. They’d gotten “dressed” first. I could see it before they ever opened their mouths.
So the question I’m trying to learn to ask is no longer whether what I have to say is true, as important as that is, I can almost always find something true to say. The question I need to ask is, “Have I clothed myself in compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience first?” That is the best chance as to whether the person across from me can tell, before I say a word, that I am with them, not above them. I am for them, not against them.
If you’re facing a challenging admonishment to give to others and would like help sorting through it in a confidential setting, please reach out to me. I’d be honored to walk alongside you in Godly counsel.
Dean Kuest
This is not a typical bio I would use to introduce myself to strangers, but ministry is often where we present our best on the “front stage” and hide the dirt “backstage.” Like social media, it is easy to produce the stuff that makes us look great, but I long for relationships that are real…so here is my “honest” bio.
I am a husband of 33 years to my beautiful wife, Leslie. I am a pastor and a PK who raised five PKs (all boys). I am now Pops to five grandchildren (four girls in there – finally). I have a great relationship with my parents and my boys. I’m so proud of each of them.
I am an example of failure—I have put my work above my wife for many years. I have never had an affair, but the church has been my mistress at times. Leslie has been gracious, and we have worked through those wounds and scars. We are an example of perseverance, and I am so grateful for the love we nurture.
I was blessed to be rooted in one church in the Phoenix area for 25 years. I was blessed to be uprooted and lead a church plant in the Seattle area for eight years. I have climbed the ladder of leadership in an exceptionally large church. And I have been humbled by a complete loss of confidence at the end of my time in Seattle.
I sought help and learned several things about myself.
I tried to do everything myself and had poor stress management.
I have ADD and need strategies and medication to deal with it.
I had a hormone imbalance that contributed to my anxiety.
Thirteen years later, I continue to learn about those strategies and how to tap into the support I need.
I was one of the original nine pastors who met together in 2018 to dream the dream that has become the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship. I am passionate about the Gospel, the love and grace of Jesus, and I long to be a peacemaker in a polarized world. I have learned to be honest about what God has gifted me to do and where my abilities fall short.
I like to build and create. I don’t like to maintain. I have always had great people skills, but I am a poor administrator and event organizer. I lead with grace because I know I have needed it throughout my life and ministry. I am not always good at giving myself grace because I have a VERY LOUD inner critic who is very opinionated and always self-effacing. I am a gifted coach and mentor and connect well with younger generations of pastors.
I would love to come alongside you as a coach. As a reminder, the first session is free, and the Matthew 5:9 Fellowship will pay for two more.
Shoot me an email if that is something you would like to explore.
